everything sets me off. People, places, things, situations, experiences, my dreams, and even the effin weather. I can't even properly vent everything out without getting set off further. Blogging pisses me off simply because I'm choosing to write down my feelings instead of being a proper a'hole.
To put it simply, it's just the frustration of being so mad that you can't get it out. I don't feel like talking to anybody about it, I don't feel like breaking things, I don't feel like anything about it. It's made this tiny nest inside my chest and I have this interior Morder ripping through my body. I want to tell certain people they suck and their face is stupid, I want to tell the weather to go eff itself, I want to throw my phone away, I want to be harsh, mean and brutal. Right now, I want to be the very worst version of myself.
But I can't. Well, I won't. Because who I am, can't be harsh, mean or brutal. I can't tell people that they suck though we both know that they do. And the weather, can still go eff itself. I have this raging Hulk inside of me... you can laugh but it's true. This quick tempered hot head that I've trained to use only toward motivation and aspiration. Not spite, and not revenge. And let me tell you, it is so hard. It's so hard being nice. Being respectful, even when you have every right not to be. Repeatedly picking up those rose colored glasses when everyone smacks them off your face.
I can never be properly angry. Because I forever have this belief that there has to be nice people. I have to be a nice person. I have to believe that I'm a nice person. And that's the constant conflict I have within myself, having this raging war of Jedi vs Sith every time my feelings get hurt and or something in my life gets ruined. It doesn't make me weak, and I'm not naive. So go ahead, talk shit about me, throw my clothes into the trash... do whatever becos it doesn't bother me. The thought of getting back at you doesn't marinate in my mind. I've already taken the high road before you've even thought things through. I hold on to the hope that the a'hole to nice person ratio balances out somewhere. Anywhere.
